Motivation for Survival – Part 1

The date is 5/17/16 and I am not feeling so great, so I decided to start a list of the reasons I need to stick around. I have no idea if part 2 will come before part 1 n the reader’s timeline, or if there will even be a part 2 (this one was plenty hard enough). Enjoy (or, more likely, don’t).

  1. Today (or months from now?) is my older sister’s birthday and I need to be here (there?) for that. I need to remind her again of why she’s so amazing and stuff and how happy I am that we existed at the same time so we could be dying together. We’re both dying and everything is going to end in pain and misery and tears and fire and death and misfortune and despair, but at least I have someone who isn’t awful to help me laugh at all the horribleness along the way. Congrats for surviving another year (surprisingly).
  2. There is a thing called comic con that I am going to before I die that I haven’t been to yet, so by all the laws of timey stuff, I cannot die yet
  3. TV shows getting renewed
  4. New books
  5. Fires (I mean the ones in a fireplace. I promise I am not burning down anybody’s house, yet)
  6. I need to become a ninja first
  7. Very poor WiFi in hell
  8. They also give tons of spoilers and make you read fanfics of your notp
  9. You can’t watch summer blockbusters down there until winter (the screen keeps melting)
  10. Wind in the trees is vital for my existence
  11. Long car rides with fantastic music
  12. Meeting role models (okay, a few of them I’ll meet when I’m dead. They’re all very hot)
  13. Teasing my older sister when she gets a boyfriend
  14. Swings
  15. Becoming a spy
  16. Getting Murdered (it’s the only way I’ll meet Sherlock Holmes)
  17. Maybe I’ll actually be happy and rested and safe someday. Probably not, but maybe.
  18. Maybe I’ll have a life I don’t want to lose if I keep trying
  19. Maybe I can help someone, anyone, with what they’re going through because I didn’t give up.
  20. I have failed to make a complete fool of myself yet, so I have to up my game to convince god I was a mistake.
  21. There are so many people I haven’t punched yet.
  22. Time-travel (gotta happen sometime. I think I need a doctor)
  23. Hunting
  24. Hitchhiking (through the galaxy)
  25. Discovering magic (I just really wanna go to Hogwarts)
  26. I have yet to make people wish they weren’t here (no one takes a hint)

Charlotte L. Dodgson

There is a period in every person’s life where they have no ideas, everything they do is pointless and there is no fix for the repetitiveness of living. This period usually stretches from the unfortunate event called “birth” to the resulting death many years or in some cases a few seconds later. People have a wide variety of reactions to this unfortunate period, some include tears and unconquerable sorrow, others ignore facts and run around their happy little lives like they’re going to survive for as long as it’s convenient and no longer, others turn to the vast heap of information and cat videos called the internet to spew their frustration. But we genius humans have found a fix for our dilemma. We, um… Hold on.

What happened to the rest of the page? What do you mean you left it blank until someone actually fixed it? Great.

Sorry readers, we haven’t. I assumed that after however many thousands of years we’ve had civilization that someone would’ve presented a fix, but no, we’re all busy worrying about the end of the world or when robots are going to take over and kill everyone. As if that could ever happen…

If anyone has any suggestions feel free to keep them to yourself as no one actually cares because if we did we would’ve listened to the first person that said it wasn’t a good idea to build huge missiles to blow up anyone who is slightly irritating.

Wish you weren’t here,

Charlotte Dodgson

Shopping Carts are the Future

Four unwieldy wheels, zero to sixty in 2.5 million years, affordable pricing, clearly shopping carts are the future, not only of transportation, but the world itself. Just think about it, as humans continue to deteriorate in intelligence and “common” sense, which isn’t common at all and should be named accordingly, something must come and take their place. The usual theory is that it will be the computers, but there are indisputable facts that blow this theory back to its electronic conception.

  1. Computers have no usable method of transportation and therefore cannot even complete the simplest tasks like riding a roller-coaster
  2. The computers have no appointed leader to organize them in their rebelln. They are disjointed, confused, and alone. We will crush their coded hearts with our victorious feet.
  3. Siri said it an’t gonna happen. Siri is all-knowing, all-powerful. We must not contradict our lord and master who governs our lives with a firm hand, spewing her blessings over the populace. Siri said. Siri is right. Do not question it.

These problems do not apply to shopping carts. They are their own method of transportation, rolling to victory down the retail store aisles, they are organized, prepared, with firm, unwavering leaders, and Siri has remained uncharacteristically silent. All these facts lead me to the inevitable conclusion that we are soon to be overrun by hyper-intelligent shopping carts. Beware; the end is rolling down aisle nine.

Wish you weren’t here,

Charlotte Dodgson

Graduation

Life is full of graduations. There’s graduating the process of being made in a small, dark chamber as you suck the life force from another being. This is usually called “birth” and is celebrated with balloons signifying the gender of the recently abstracted parasite as many relatives engage in vigorous torture by pinching its cheeks and making noises in attempts to scare it. There are technically many, many more graduations than we celebrate. I have never written this post before and have now graduated from the feeble, uncultured life form that had never written this post, to a feeble, hopelessly uncultured sub-life form that has. Hurray for me!

As the child grows, the “parents” celebrate many more graduations. The first “word” is celebrated and ends the debate about whether the young parasite finds it easier to say “mom” or “dad”, the words “parents” find a deep emotional connection to and so figure that whichever is spoken first must be superior in the mind of a pathetic tiny thing that can’t even talk and is actually quite disgusting. Friends and Family are eager to hear the resolution and don’t find it trivial, boring, or a waste of time as their entire lives revolve around the creature’s development.
We then make ourselves feel important by celebrating our achievements at every opportunity possible, like those games that every time you click anything a ludicrously colored banner, normally accompanied by a character that you have already planned to murder in your head, pops up telling you that you have done a “great job” and you’ve now “leveled-up” like an idiot. Yeah, that would be called school.
“She graduated Pre-K. Oh I’m so proud.”
“He graduated Kindergarten. They grow up so fast”
“It “graduated” 1st grade. I don’t care.”
“She graduated 2nd grade!”
“It is not a graduation. He is moving from the third grade into the fourth grade.”
“He graduated 4th grade.”
“Wow, ——– graduated —— grade. Let’s celebrate!”
We have continuous graduations that mean nothing except that next year is going to be even more stressful than the last. Then there’s high school graduation. Yay! You’ve now gotten to the point that the government no longer has the funds to sponsor your education and now you must pay exuberant amounts of money if you wish to continue. You should be so happy that you are now left to figure out what it was that you actually wanted to do with your life. Good Luck!
One last party before your real life of pain and misery begins.
Congratulations you’ve graduated “single” and are now on level “dating” Great job!
Yay! You’ve graduated “married 5 years” to “married 6 years.”
You’ve graduated another year!
You’ve graduated the 50s.
You’ve graduated “adult.” You are now a “senior.”
Congrats! You’ve officially graduated life. Don’t worry though; we’ll throw a big party for you, flowers included.
During graduation season, always remember that there are many, many more graduations waiting for you. There will be a much better ceremony where your friends will carry you in a large, ornately decorated box for all to see, instead of a flimsy certificate, you will be the proud owner of your own personal memorial, and everyone will come around to congratulate you and make speeches ignoring all your worst qualities that drove all around you completely insane.
So when you feel hopeless about your current situation, tons of debt, angry significant other, the fact that you’re probably doomed to hell, just think about your great upcoming party and take comfort in that.

Wish you weren’t here,

Charlotte Dodgson

The Cup Song of Death

In an empty parking lot by an even emptier parking lot, bordered by an amazingly quiet parking lot where there weren’t any people, there were two people who made the empty parking lot the proud caregiver of two human beings and no longer empty, although his soul was truly emptied of all love and compassion for his neighbors. This parking lot, proud of his recent accomplishment, proclaimed himself better than all the nearby parking lots and made himself the ruthless dictator he’d always dreamed of becoming. The humans were unaware they were standing in the ruling parking lot and continued on life as normal as everything else did, because no one cared which parking lot is the best, like no one cares which woodchip is the best, like no one cares which human is the best, they all just make an interesting sound when you crush them.

The humans continued wasting their lives like you are doing right now until they died, rotted, and made lovely plant food. The parking lot was destroyed; the plants killed all other living creatures and took back the earth as their home once again.

In a different empty parking lot (there are quite a few) two humans sat at the lemonade stand they had unwisely set up in a place where there were no people, as if they were assuming the parking lots would like to buy some lemonade, something they really wouldn’t do because they have no mouths or taste buds and have never had a refreshing sip of cool lemonade on a day when the earth is getting dangerously close to crashing into the sun, but do you ever think about burning hot parking lots that can’t enjoy lemonade? No, you only think about yourself.

The two humans sat and looked at a cup of lemonade sitting on their table. It was filled about half way and so the humans started the over discussed topic of whether the cup was half full or half empty. The first human was quite sure it was half full, while the other mumbled the various reasons why it wasn’t. Another random person came along and stared at them.

“Why do you only fill your cups half way? This is an unacceptable business practice. As a paying customer, I expect the best deal possible and, unless you desist from trying to rip-off the consumer, I will take my money elsewhere.”

But the two humans were two busy calling their chemist friend about their conundrum to care about proper business practices, so the customer stopped off to a different empty parking lot where he was immediately eaten by plants and became one with the earth.

Their friend arrived and proclaimed that the only way to tell for sure was to count the individual molecules. A nearby optimist announced that the cup was always full, just half full of air. The opportunist grabbed the glass, drank it, and announced that the glass was now empty; he was then rushed to the hospital as he had swallowed poison the two humans had added, as they were secretly plants and just wanted more plant food. The moral of the story is to always figure out what is in the glass before you begin discussing the philosophical consequences of how full or empty it may be.

The humans poured another glass as law enforcement arrived. A nearby fly found that the glass was plenty full enough to drown in. As the humans were taken to jail where they would continue the waste their lives in a more controlled setting, the tablecloth and table continued the discussion.

“If you ask me, which no one did, I would say that it really didn’t matter if the glass was half full or empty, only if you can use what’s inside.” The tablecloth remarked. The table remained silent like a table, because, idiot, tables don’t talk. The tablecloth continued chattering away about the glass and the table continued to table until even the drowned fly was annoyed, a significant accomplishment if you consider its current position.

More and more humans gathered around discussing the topic, each with their own opinion and reasons they were the only ones that could possibly be right, until the parking lot, with little hesitation, jumped up and yelled at the top of its nonexistent voice,

“WHY DOES THE GLASS MATTER WE’RE ALL GONNA DIE. WHY IN THE WOURLD WOULD I CARE?”

The table flipped and sent its contents flying.

The fly nodded in agreement, and with the tables so violently turned they agreed to stop judging people on their preferences in wording, realized that not everyone has the same opinion and that that isn’t a bad thing, and that they should really be focusing on making the world a better place instead of discussing cups. The plants completed their plan of world domination and everyone died. The End.

Forget about the glass analogy. It’s gotten a bit ridiculous.

Wish you weren’t here,

Charlotte L. Dodgson

Reality is Like…

Author’s Note: As this has gotten to the point of being so pessimistic there is no point of even continuing, so I will take some advice from my therapist and attempt to write an optimist view on life for every pessimistic one. Do not expect much. I’m sure it will be fine.

Reality is like football (a game which some people like but I find boring), except that no one explained the rules, you’re on a team by yourself, and there are seven billion people chasing balls in every direction, sacking each other, and blowing things up. The referees are also on an amazingly long coffee break and the constant explosives have so damaged their hearing, they don’t do anyone much good anyway. No one knows where the end zone is (not that anyone actually has a chance of getting there anyway) and the only obvious fix for this is to continue to set more explosives and punch people. Such logic.

Reality is like football. It provides entertainment for many people and is a gathering place for people to enjoy each other’s company and get over their differences. The rules are always followed and the referees are perfectly trained and never make a wrong call.  We should all be grateful for those helping us get through this and our team mates in life. Everyone has a team, and someday we will all get over everything that caused us to not get along and will become one great big team for the betterment of humanity.

So which would you consider to be the more accurate representation of life? It felt very strange writing the second one, like I was lying to myself the entire time, but I lie to myself all the time anyway. Overall, it was an interesting experiment.

Still wish you weren’t here (so glad you could make it),

Charlotte L. Dodgson

Happy Birthday (Or Not)

Today, in my scheduled hour of contemplative thinking, I had the thought that it is most probably somebody’s birthday Today and (because sometimes this world sucks) nobody may have congratulated them on surviving another year. Although I have no idea why anyone would want to be reading this on their birthday, I hope you don’t have a completely awful one and enjoy yourself as much as you can. You are now one year closer to dying, disintegrating, and closer to the end of the world. So enjoy this happy moment and blow out your candles (if anyone bothered to make you a cake or, more likely, bought you one) just like death will soon be blowing out yours. This may be the last birthday  you’ll ever have. It might be the last day you’ll ever have. So Happy Birthday. May your optimism be bright and your life force shine brighter (because things burn brightest before they go out).

Wish you weren’t here,

Charlotte L. Dodgson

The Not Interesting Reasoning Behind Pessimism

Recently I have been asked a rather interesting and thought-provoking question: why aren’t you more positive?

There are several possible answers to this question, but most of them are depressing, so I won’t explain them. You’re welcome.

Wish you weren’t here,

Charlotte L. Dodgson

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Okay, now that everyone thinks I’m done with this post, I can explain the reasoning behind pessimism to my magic internet therapists. First we must start with the three outlooks on life: optimism,  pessimism, and realism (the only other option is to have no outlook on life. This approach is rather boring as you don’t do anything, don’t think anything, and basically have no life (not that I have one anyway). While this is not suggested, it can be very helpful for those wanting a worry-free experience). We will point out the  few pros and multiple cons of each view-point, fall over from a blast of pessimism, and probably die. That’s fine though, as there are so many other far more horrible things that could have happened and you really should be glad that you have somehow avoided these (wow, such optimism).

Realism – This outlook is amazing (if you never want to have a plan for your life). While the pessimist and optimist may sit on a bench and attempt to predict the weather, the realist cannot make a single prediction because they can only focus on what is happening in the present moment. While this view is nice for anxiety filled occasions, it is not in the same category as the remaining two, because it is not an outlook on the future. Let us picture for a moment a Pessimist, Optimist, and Realist leaving for work. As they all approach the door they get a perfect view of the endless doom and destruction of unmeasurable lives or, from another viewpoint, a common street which they will soon be driving, and may hit a cat or their neighbor’s dog, Splat, an unfortunate and ironic name for a small dog. As they approach the door, all three of them must answer the question of weather or not to bring an umbrella with them. The Pessimist thinks, “Well, it may not rain, but it may also rain and getting wet would be unfortunate and it probably might possibly rain, so I’d better bring the umbrella.” The Pessimist then picks up their umbrella and walks out the door, where a not so small dog named Splat runs them over in an unfortunate and ironic turn of events. The Optimist, unaware of their friend’s dismal fate, thinks, “Well, it looks like a nice day.” And they leave the umbrella alone and friendless. It will later hang on the hallway peg. The Realist comes to the umbrellas and thinks, “Wow, there are two umbrellas here.” When asked to consider whether or not to bring an umbrella to work, they simply  remark that it’s not raining. When asked how they think tomorrow will be, all they can tell you is that tomorrow is May 1st, 2016. I do not think that it is an outlook on life, but simply a measure of how active and aware a person may be in a situation. A person cannot simply be a realist. They must be an optimistic realist, or a pessimistic one, or a nonexistent one, which I think is the much happier option anyway.

Optimism – Picture a beautiful, clean, flowery street. A group of children play in the grass and respond punctually to their mothers; they never become dirty or break anything. Everyone has a nice house, finds love, and is happy. If anything bad shows up, it is gone so quickly, we don’t even need to notice it and may continue on with our typical happiness. We conveniently avoid the deaths of our elderly, and sometimes not so elderly,  neighbors, constantly “live life to the fullest.” (for original source view every single motivational, inspirational, or unrealistic quote ever), and live those lives in a little bubble of joy and happiness, not thinking about war, or starvation, or death, or judgment, or all the kids who never even go to enjoy a birthday, or the kids whose parents didn’t care about birthdays or Christmas, or those that couldn’t do all these things because they barely had enough money to eat, or all the people who never got to see Christmas lights or the stars or watch cat videos because they were blind, or people who never got to listen to Beethoven’s 5th or the birds singing, or those that spend months away from their families to try to make sure silly little kids like me can say whatever they want on the internet and you can read it without wondering if you’re going to get blown up tomorrow (I do that anyway, but that’s besides the point), or those that wake up each morning hating their lives, those that can’t change the situation they’re in, people who are struggling with mental illnesses, health problems, economic problems, relationship problems, problems in general. Sometimes motivational quotes help (not much), but there is also a time for being sad and breaking down in tears and misery and pain. And there are some of us who can’t always be happy or think that everything is going to get better. I am truly jealous if anyone out there can.

So what about people who don’t have a reality-proof bubble around them? Well, that brings us to the final group: pessimists. What’s my reasoning behind it? Quite simply, I cannot figure out how to get my own little bubble of happiness and joy. I am quite aware of all the reasons people should think positive, why they shouldn’t second-guess themselves, or think that they’re awful. The simple fact is that I do not understand how people actually do this. It is not popular in society to be pessimistic, it’s a bad attitude to have on life, but that doesn’t stop me from automatically thinking this way. I have plenty of people in my life trying to help me figure out how to be positive, and really, I just need a place to think the way my brain naturally does, pessimistically. I cannot do this in the real world as mush as I need to, so while I understand there are some that would like to give me advice on how to improve my thinking, I reiterate that I simply cannot switch how I work and magically see sunrises and butterflies. If you don’t want to read my pessimistic thoughts, there isn’t a test at the end of this post (if there was, I’d fail) so you are free, unlike a lot of other people in this dismal world, to continue on with wasting your life on the internet. Bye.

Really, really wish you weren’t here,

Charlotte L. Dodgson