Life is full of graduations. There’s graduating the process of being made in a small, dark chamber as you suck the life force from another being. This is usually called “birth” and is celebrated with balloons signifying the gender of the recently abstracted parasite as many relatives engage in vigorous torture by pinching its cheeks and making noises in attempts to scare it. There are technically many, many more graduations than we celebrate. I have never written this post before and have now graduated from the feeble, uncultured life form that had never written this post, to a feeble, hopelessly uncultured sub-life form that has. Hurray for me!

As the child grows, the “parents” celebrate many more graduations. The first “word” is celebrated and ends the debate about whether the young parasite finds it easier to say “mom” or “dad”, the words “parents” find a deep emotional connection to and so figure that whichever is spoken first must be superior in the mind of a pathetic tiny thing that can’t even talk and is actually quite disgusting. Friends and Family are eager to hear the resolution and don’t find it trivial, boring, or a waste of time as their entire lives revolve around the creature’s development.
We then make ourselves feel important by celebrating our achievements at every opportunity possible, like those games that every time you click anything a ludicrously colored banner, normally accompanied by a character that you have already planned to murder in your head, pops up telling you that you have done a “great job” and you’ve now “leveled-up” like an idiot. Yeah, that would be called school.
“She graduated Pre-K. Oh I’m so proud.”
“He graduated Kindergarten. They grow up so fast”
“It “graduated” 1st grade. I don’t care.”
“She graduated 2nd grade!”
“It is not a graduation. He is moving from the third grade into the fourth grade.”
“He graduated 4th grade.”
“Wow, ——– graduated —— grade. Let’s celebrate!”
We have continuous graduations that mean nothing except that next year is going to be even more stressful than the last. Then there’s high school graduation. Yay! You’ve now gotten to the point that the government no longer has the funds to sponsor your education and now you must pay exuberant amounts of money if you wish to continue. You should be so happy that you are now left to figure out what it was that you actually wanted to do with your life. Good Luck!
One last party before your real life of pain and misery begins.
Congratulations you’ve graduated “single” and are now on level “dating” Great job!
Yay! You’ve graduated “married 5 years” to “married 6 years.”
You’ve graduated another year!
You’ve graduated the 50s.
You’ve graduated “adult.” You are now a “senior.”
Congrats! You’ve officially graduated life. Don’t worry though; we’ll throw a big party for you, flowers included.
During graduation season, always remember that there are many, many more graduations waiting for you. There will be a much better ceremony where your friends will carry you in a large, ornately decorated box for all to see, instead of a flimsy certificate, you will be the proud owner of your own personal memorial, and everyone will come around to congratulate you and make speeches ignoring all your worst qualities that drove all around you completely insane.
So when you feel hopeless about your current situation, tons of debt, angry significant other, the fact that you’re probably doomed to hell, just think about your great upcoming party and take comfort in that.

Wish you weren’t here,

Charlotte Dodgson

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